No Porn, No Love
by Youkai Of Hearts
Summary: There is only one way to dampen Loghain Mac Tir's army when they are out after the Grey Wardens...Slight OOC


**Dragon Age**

**Origins**

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**Rating:**

T-M

**Pairings:**

None

**Disclaim:**

I do not own the game, it belongs to Bioware

**Warning:**

Hints of a sexual yet depraved nature

**Summary:**

There is only one way to dampen Loghain Mac Tir's army when they are out after the Grey Wardens

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**No Porn, No Love**

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"My lord, My lord!" came a servant that ran into the room

Loghain sighed, this was the fifth time this month since he ceased control of the kingdom, he was well hated, faced fierce opposition and not only that but his daughter was being a naughty little girl.

"What is it?" he asked in irritation as if his day couldn't get any worse.

"The Soldiers are getting low in moral" the servant replied "And Bingo night is no longer working"

Loghain cringed, Bingo night? That was the last time he was going to let his councillor pass a new law for all soldiers to endure an entire night of 'relaxation'

"Really?" He replied grimly "How ever so?"

"The soldiers kill each other after each and every game, the citizens are complaining about flying glasses of water and juice since you banned them from having alcohol!" as if on queue a flying chip crashed through the window as sounds of a riot could be heard from outside.

That's the ninety-seventh time that bingo chip flew through his window and he was worried about the dark spawn…

"They tried and kill each other when they had alcohol how different can it be?" Loghain asked in disbelief

The servant gave out a sigh but kept his composure "You see my Lord before you abolished alcohol the percentage of bottles and glasses being thrown was about 10 percent"

Loghain wonders where his servant was going with this "And that 10 percent is now…"

"75 percent my Lord"

Loghain furrowed his brow "75? That high? How is that possible!"

"Well should I mention that it wasn't just glasses, bottles and bingo chips they were throwing?"

Loghain had heard enough, he placed his hand onto his forehead, he was getting a well deserved migraine, perfect, his army was getting low in moral and they certainly can't fight the likes of the Grey Wardens much less the Dark Spawn with bottles, glasses and bingo chips.

"Okay, I understand" he said, getting himself off his seat and wondered over to the window, his hands placed behind his back as he looked onto the city with Denrim that was in the middle of another riot.

Then a smirk evolved on his lips, an idea had occurred, it was so good he should give himself a pat on the back

"I have an idea" Loghain said, his servant looked on in awe, like he was gazing upon a god

"Yes my lord? What is your plan?"

* * *

Yuven was tired and exhausted

He was fed up with it, honestly, he was so angry he took his frustration out on an innocent tree.

While he and the girls were busy setting camp, all the men, including his friend Alistair all sat on the grass, looking up towards the clouds, even his dog.

"Hey!" Yuven yelled, they were motionless, like they've lost the will to live.

Sadly the Maker wasn't very nice to Yuven as up till late.

They were on their way to a town not to far from where they were yet for some reason he could feel a type of lifeless aura coming off of all them.

"Are you guys going to help or just stare at the clouds all day!"

Zevran, Sten, Alistair and his Mabari Hound, Hans Solo turned their heads round before turning their attention back to the sky all of them giving out a deep sigh.

_Maker give me strength_ Yuven thought to himself bitterly

"Um, Yuven" Yuven turned his attention towards Morrigan who had her hands pressed on to her hips "I think the men are low in moral"

Yuven turned his head back to his male companions "Low in moral, they were all fine yesterday" Morrigan sighed at her leader's innocence

"Ah my sweet little Grey Warden" she purred, her hands fastened on his head making sure that he was looking at her, her bright amber eyes narrowed "The reason they are low on moral is because on their free time they have nothing to do"

"Huh?"

"Well come on think about it" Morrigan said with a hint of tease "They've been pushed through snowy mountains, dangerous cliffs, fighting dark spawn and facing the army of Soldiers from Denerim and for Alistair that's an improvement"

"So…how do we heighten moral?"

"We have an emergency!" Leliana yelled from a distance, alerting Yuven and Morrigan immediately while the others were still in a potato like state looking towards the funny shapes of white cloud, all of them released another sigh.

Leliana ran up towards the two, her bag pack and all the other bags that they carry

"What is it?" Yuven asked

"We're low on food supplies! We don't have enough for tomorrow's breakfast or dinner for tonight"

There was silence out of everyone until they all shrieked enough for a Dark Spawn horde to hear them.

"**What!"**

Yuven stared on in shock "How could this be! They were full yesterday!"

"Someone's been sneaking bites!" Leliana yelled

Zevran pointed an accusing finger over to Hans Solo "I accuse the dog!" he snapped, simply because the dog bit him yesterday "I saw him sniffing near the bags!"

The dog growled before chasing after the blond elf, no one was stopping the dog since their mind was preoccupied and drowning out Zevran's screams of pain.

"Forget that what are we going to do!" Alistair snapped

"We could always have Alistair for breakfast" Morrigan suggested which got her a few disgusted gazes.

"No" Yuven replied "Alistair can't fit in a pan besides he probably doesn't taste nice even if you smother him in garnish"

Alistair frowned "Charming"

"We have to do something!" Leliana yelled

"Why isn't anyone helping me!" Zevran screamed while his leg was Hans Solo's chew toy.

Just if by command, the dog took Zevran's leg out of his jaws, his nose twitching in the air, probably smelled something that was probably more delicious than the Elf's leg.

He barked happily before skipping off

"Look Hans smells something!" Morrigan pointed out

"Good boy!" Yuven cheered as he, Alistair, Sten and Zevran followed the dog. "Morrigan, Leliana stay here by the campsite okay!"

And with that they all ran off.

* * *

"So if we deliver the special cargo to the army in Denrim then we get a whole lot of gold for it!" one of the men on the horse cart shrieked

The other one, a scruffy old man nodded "That's what the boss tells me, isn't that right Bob you old drunk ye!"

"Ye!"

There were ten horse carts, each of them heavily filled with crates, each of them labelled 'Special Cargo for _Special _Soldiers' in curly cute letters.

"And I heard their the newest edition too" the first man said, his cheeks turning bright pink

"I know, I tried to take a copy if Bob didn't catch me, isn't that right Bob you prick ye!"

"Ye!"

In the bushes over the hills in the track of the carts, Yuven and the others hid in wait after following the dog all the way here.

"Wow, that looks like a whole load of cargo" Yuven said in awe

"They must be heading to Denrim" Alistair chimed in, squinting his eyes' to get a better view "Maybe they have food?"

"The dog thinks so" Sten looked on

Zevran stared at the cargo, his eyes wide open "Let's rob them" he said blankly

Yuven was caught off guard "What?"

"Let's rob them" Zevran repeated slowly unsheathing his dagger "We're low on supplies and they have a whole lot of cargo"

"Rob? You mean steal?" Yuven's voice quaked as he said that

Zevran rolled his eyes "No I meant borrow, of course I meant STEAL!" he shrieked

"B-But they are civilians!" Yuven, trying to reason with his fellow elf "Aren't they the people we're trying to protect?"

"Oh yes" Alistair said sarcastically when he narrowed his gaze at his fellow Grey Warden in disbelief "And by protect do you mean threatening the Reverend Mothers, training Hans Solo to attack anyone excluding me from the chantry and getting me and Zevran drunk enough for you to put us in the same bed with our clothes all tossed out the window"

Yuven flinched before stamping his shock down "Look, I didn't threaten the Reverend Mother, I was just asking for their cooperation"

Alistair wasn't buying it "Asking for Cooperation? When trying to release Sten you threatened the Reverend Mother with dissection and the removal of several delicate bodily organs if you didn't get your way. I wouldn't be surprised if you were crucified and burned the next time you visited a Chantry"

"That can't be proven and as for training Hans Solo to attack members of the Chantry, I was just teaching him some handy tricks not attack members of the Chantry" Yuven explained to which earned him another accusing glare from Alistair

"You trained the Dog to bite off the Templars genitals, I wouldn't call that a _handy trick_"

"That can't be proven" Yuven repeated "And as for the last bit about you and Zevran I have no clue what you're talking about…"

"I found an empty potion bottle in your bag"

"That could be anyone's potion bottle" Yuven defended

Zevran decided to interrupt the two before they gave away their position "Look Yuven, think of it this way" Zevran was defiantly sure he can sway the other elf to go for robbing these men "If we don't have food then we will starve, if we don't have food then the dog will attack me, if we don't have food then Morrigan and Leliana will make us all suffer"

That seemed to have done the trick because Zevran knew how scared Yuven was when it means getting the witch's bad side, Morrigan was like a scary parent, or worse she can turn into a huge spider and everyone knew how much Yuven _hated_ spiders.

Yuven immediately brought out his bow and tugged his arrow out of his pack "Okay, lets do this"

Back at the men on the carts, they were all singing merry tunes of old merry songs, like 'Shut up you thick bastard' and 'I wish my wife was a hamster'

Until Yuven jumped out in front of the cargo, bow and arrow readied for any sudden movements.

"Halt!" Yuven snapped "Give us all your cargo!"

All the carts came to a halt as the men stared at Yuven for a few minutes before they continued on forward singing their horribly sung songs.

Yuven froze; he wondered what in the name of Maker happened there?

"I said halt!"

Yuven glared, his eyes starting to flicker with rage, he gritted his teeth as fire appeared on the tip of his arrow and fired a warning shot into the last cart that drove past.

The entire cart went on fire and exploded in no time at all.

"Aie!" one of the men screamed "Thee Porn, thee porn is on fire!" Yuven however did not hear the man scream as his ears were ringing from the explosion.

"Damn it Yuven" Zevran yelled, jumped out with his daggers tightly in his hands "I said steal the cargo not fucking burn it!"

Yuven starred at the fire in wide eyes, he chuckled nervously rubbing his hand onto the back of his head "S-Sorry"

"See I warned you about that temper Yuven" Alistair said, jumping in front of one of the other carts and chopped the reigns off the horses causing the horses to run without their cargo

"Oi!" another delivery man yelled "What are ye doing? This is special delivery for Loghain Mac Tir; you can not do this sir!"

_Loghain Mac Tir?_

That seemed to have the boy's attention "Really now?" Yuven asked, bringing out another arrow, setting it alight and fired it to another cart causing it to explode once more

"Stop it!" the delivery man shrieked "These need to be delivered or the soldiers will go homosexual! HOMOSEXUAL I TELL YE!"

"What the hell is he talking about?" Alistair asked, he thought this seemed to be a bit exaggerated for a bit of cargo filled with food on it's way to Denerim.

"I have no idea my friend" Zevran replied until they both cringed at another explosion, they all looked to see their well composed leader losing it.

_Shit!_ They all thought until they remembered how much their _leader_ hated Loghain; he even banned the mention of the name.

Now every time he hears, Yuven feels compelled to blow something up, first time it was the barn, last time was the bar in Redcliff.

"Burn!" Yuven cackled, continuing to fire the arrows into two of the remaining two carts, screams from the other delivery men could be heard over the hill

"Aie! Thee porn! He's destroying thee porn Bob!" the old scruffy man cried in woe

"Ye!"

"Somebody, please stop Yuven before he destroys the two last carts" Alistair said calmly, placing a hand onto his forehead, another migraine was coming on plus he was getting a head ache from Yuven's mental cackling.

Sten made a sigh; he knew it was his turn

* * *

Once they got back with their haul to the camp, they were greeted by the two girls who sat by the camp fire, waiting for their merry men to return.

All of them marched in, smirks plastered on to their faces well almost everyone, Sten had Yuven over his shoulders so that he can calm down.

And what a haul they had, they returned with the one remaining cart since Yuven had his fun

"We're back ladies" Alistair cheered

Morrigan looked back to their leader "The L word?"

The others nodded which earned them a sigh from the ladies

Zevran pulled out a crate from the cart he brought back and slammed it to the group creating a giant thug.

"Right, lets see what we have here" Zevran cackled, getting his dagger and chopped the locks that were on it.

It was when it was opened did the smile fade

"What?"

Everyone gathered around the crate, what met their gazes were millions of books with pretty pictures of naked women, each of them titled 'The lovely ladies of Fereldin, this weeks edition, the Chantry gets down and dirty, Naughty elf needs a spanking and Reverend Mother wearing nothing! Plus Bonus Material!'

"Is this…Porn?"

Alistair looks up at his comrades in wonder "Why would Loghain need porn?"

They all froze

"Alistair!" Leliana spoke in fear "You said the forbidden word!"

On queue Yuven vanished from Sten's hold and the sounds of a bunch of trees being burned could be heard; followed by insane cackling

* * *

"My Lord! My Lord!"

Loghain sighed as his servant returned "What is it now?"

The servant rushed in, panic evident on his features, whatever the news was, it couldn't be good. "Um, my Lord" his servant started nervously, sweat coating his skin.

"You remember the _Special cargo_ you requested?"

Loghain remembered and nodded "Yes, yes, it should've come in a few minutes ago, why?"

"Well, my lord, the men that were delivering it, had a little problem in getting the cargo delivered here safely" Loghain cocked an eyebrow as the quill he was writing with halted leaving a giant black blob on his paper.

"And this problem would be?"

"Well, a group of thieves on the highway kind of…**stole** the _special cargo_ my lord"

Silence reigned until a bingo chip came crashing through the window

"Come again?" Loghain asked

The servant took a deep gulp as he repeated "The _Special cargo_ was stolen my lord" then another bingo chip came crashing through another window.

"I see" Loghain said

"My Lord" the servant spoke "You seem to be taking this well"

Loghain walked over towards the window "Yes,"

The servant took a few steps towards the door "Then perhaps this isn't the best time to mention that the soldiers requested for some special action?"

"Special action?"

The servant nodded "Yes, apparently the soldiers would like some escorts to pass the time"

There was more silence "I see" Loghain said, turning his gaze to his servant "Could you leave for a moment?"

The servant obliged, leaving the room and closing the door shut, last seeing his lord sitting back on the table.

Once the door was closed, there were sounds of a monster roaring and a giant loud bang, the servant reopened the door to see that his lord was sitting down but his table was chopped in half

"Um, are you alright me Lord?"

"Dandy"

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**End**


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